I don’t want to keep these feelings bottled up inside me anymore, so I’m letting it all out once and for all.
I am in love with someone who once loved me but not anymore. I got attached to someone who wanted nothing to do with me. It’s been 8 months since we fell apart, and thinking about it still does make my heart sting. I was left hanging. But it didn’t matter, I didn’t stop loving him, up until now. I am still holding onto something that already slipped away. But I couldn’t put the blame on him, choosing to stay was my choice.
Something’s still up between us, I thought. I thought we were still loving each other behind close doors, but turns out, it was just me who keeps on loving all along. I tried to consider things from his point of view. I thought he needed time to think, so I gave him. I didn’t demand anything. He could take all the time he needs,
I will wait for him; no matter how long it takes.
Anyway that’s what he wanted me to do, and I was okay with it. I can wait; I just need to know that he’s not going to wake up one day and feel differently. I don’t want any thing that I invested in him to go to waste. So..
“I need to know where I stand.” I told myself. I didn’t want to settle with I-will-know-it-eventually anymore so I didn’t miss on the opportunity to ask him if he still has feelings for me. I wasn’t prepared enough to ask the question so I was worried if I could handle the answer.
“I still have feelings for you.. but... (Some text missing)” he said
Thank God it wasn’t a “No.” but it somehow felt like it. It sounded horrible, and hearing him say it felt really upsetting. I honestly didn’t see that coming, it got me speechless; I didn’t know how and what to respond. But still, I managed to keep the smile. Having to pretend it doesn’t hurt at all is what hurts the most.
I thought knowing the answer would make it easier for me to figure out my next action. But no, it got me confused even more. I, still, have no idea on what I should do. No, wait… Actually, I know EXACTLY what I SHOULD do. It’s just I don’t want to do it. I gave myself some more time to think. I was still (kind of!) convincing myself that he loves me– maybe he just got little confused when I asked the question, I don’t know. And that, undeniably, was one of the foolish things I’ve done to myself. How much pain do I still have to go through until giving up is okay?
All along I thought he needed time for himself. Until one day I found out he’s already into someone else. All signs point to yes, he (clearly) doesn’t like-slash-love-whatever me anymore. It felt like my heart had been stomped on. Getting your heart broken actually makes your heart physically hurt, that, I conclude.
There were things I wanted to tell him.. But I knew it would hurt him.. So I buried them, and let them hurt me. But I wish he knew; I wish he knew how I feel about him/us. We should have stopped pretending long time ago and simply just told each other how we really feel. By that, I could at least be clued in to what had gone wrong (/what changed his mind). But no, he refuses to tell a single thing about what he truly feels. I wanted to know the truth coming directly from his mouth, but he chose to remain silent.
I spent the whole night of December 28th thinking.. just thinking. I thought of conveying my thoughts on paper but hours have passed, I am still staring on a blank page. Until I realized I don’t want to waste time anymore; I am so tired of writing about the same thing over and over again. I am so tired of hoping and waiting for something that would not happen. I need to stop giving myself false hopes. I became conscious of the fact that it is already me who’s hurting myself. And I’ve been hurt enough to still hold on, and letting go is the only left option.
No matter how much I want to go back to how we used to or no matter how much I wish things between us to stay the same, it’s not going to happen. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love him, and it hurts to think that ‘that love’ needs to come to an end. It hurts when something good ends, but I think it hurts even more to still cling to it, knowing it’s not there. I’ve had enough. And I think it’s safe to say that I’m following what my head tells me this time.
I’ll miss you, J. Take care.
Ahaa, its fastidious conversation concerning this article here at this blog, I have read all that, so at this time me
also commenting here.
Been reading your blog then I found this. Somehow, I can say that I can really relate and I was tremendously reminded of how my own “J” inflicted pain in my heart. Haha, yes he’s a J too. Lol. I am inspired with how genuine you are through your posts, Maine. I do hope I could express this way too because I love writing as well. I put implied messages on my songs but I feel like it’s still lacking, unlike when you post on a blog. But if I post on a blog and people would see through my heart, I have to say I still fear being judged, you know? Haha. Well I’m currently watching the #YakieNuptials that’s why I suddenly felt moved writing this dramatic comment. But Alden already ran away and I can’t wait to know what would happen so yeah bye thanks if you read this! Hope to meet you soooooon! God bless you always Maine! Hope we could be friends even though through online only. All the love! -Ariann xx
Okay I need to say this. I gotta shift the I-feel-you-comment cos I was thrilled when I saw the title ‘Jake Rosati’ like omg. You watch Awkward.? Well if you stopped seeing episodes for awhile knowing you are whit and a bit (medyo lang haha) busy, Jenna Hamilton/Hamiltuna/Hamiltoe/Hamiltard is still keeping her feelings for Matty, apparently him too, and they have not got back together, which hurts me the most cos im a team Matty. Anyway, Sadie is still bitchin’ and Jake currently not planning to go to college 🙂 bye love ya!
this kind of pain happened to me a very long time ago, 10 years to be exact. it really hurts like hell, the kind of pain no ones has prepared you for. the phrase “di ko alam ang gagawin ko” is so real because you have planned your years together, but for some reason it has to end. all the things you know, and all the things you hope for, you have to learn to let go. it is really hard. you will feel like drowning. and after all this you will never be the same person again, and sadly, you will never love that same way or look into another guy the same way. i am now married, but from time to time i still think about him, not that i want us to back together. but i just want to know if he’s ok. Maine, it will hurt, for so many years it will hurt. But know that there will come a time that when you look back, you will be glad it happened.
I hope you’re okay now, ate maine. 🙂
Thats so true. While reading this, though it was almost 2 yrs when he broke up with me the level of pain is still the same. Leaving you clueless why he wanted to leave and hearing from him that he was tired with the relationship was the worst feeling ever…
Some of your thoughts that I really can relate. Sobrang ramdam ko yung pain mo dito. 🙁 I just experience the same last year, 5yrs relationship, I thought my first and my last. 🙁
Having to pretend it doesn’t hurt at all is what hurts the most.
How much pain do I still have to go through until giving up is okay?
Getting your heart broken actually makes your heart physically hurt, that, I conclude.
And to think, he’s also a “J” funny. 😀
But, I know you’re so much happy now. I hope I will too. 🙂
Oh my gosh same tayo ate maine. And nung december 30 its my birthday and im broken hearted din like you.
si jake?!?! lol jk. sana ok ka na ate meng. been reading your blog. lavet!
Good thing it happened and ended J that way. Coz the first is yet to come its R! Kaya nga may RJ, whew! So happy for both of you Maine and Richard. Your journey to infinity and beyond….
Hi meng, thank you sa blog mo na to.mas nakikilala ka namin ng mas malalim.at mas minamahal at nagugustuhan kita